Last week, my ninth-grader had to make a speech in front of her school for a competitive student government election. She admitted she was scared when I asked how she was feeling. “I’m afraid I’ll be nervous, and then I’ll mess up and won’t be able to speak,” she told me. “It might not even be worth it to run – why would they elect me?” 

I reminded her that she’d done this before, which didn’t seem to matter. She couldn’t shake the feeling that despite her experience, she was still going to fail. In short, she was struggling to overcome Imposter Syndrome.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Drs. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes introduced the concept of Imposter Syndrome (IS), which is, at its most basic, a feeling of fraudulence. People who experience IS don’t believe they belong or have the license to fully engage because they’re perpetually worried that others will “find them out” and ultimately reject them if they fail to maintain their facade.

Our research study on Challenges Women Leaders Face revealed that even the most successful, “confident-appearing” leaders report self-doubt as a significant obstacle, and the majority believe they’re alone in feeling this way. Furthermore, managers consistently said they needed to provide more coaching to their competent female employees to take risks and see themselves as capable.

However, Imposter Syndrome isn’t only a problem for women – it’s a common theme for the men we coach as well. Research shows that it affects 80% of the population, though we believe the number is higher, especially among high achieving leaders with emotional intelligence. The difference between men and women is that men tend to take action despite feeling self-doubt, whereas women will often ruminate, second-guess themselves, and stay “in the blender” longer.

Dealing With Imposter Syndrome

To help my daughter, I asked her about the speeches she’d given before and suggested she think back and remember herself as if she were someone else. “Watch from the balcony,” I suggested. “What do you remember happening to this other girl the last time?” My daughter responded, “She was only nervous for the first few seconds, and then it all worked out.” I asked, “If you could tell her anything about her next speech, what would you say?” My daughter smiled and responded, “You’re going to be fine. You’ve totally got this.”

She was practicing a critical skill to contend with her feelings of self-doubt: the simple-not-easy practice of Emotional Neutralization (or depersonalizing). While emotions are valid, they are not always rational or based on fact. From the “balcony,” my daughter was able to observe the scene and coach herself to see it objectively (I have done this successfully before). 

How to Practice Emotional Neutralization

Emotional Neutralization requires a willingness to examine your reaction with curiosity from a neutral point of view, without making it the truth (“I am right about this!”) or taking it personally (“This IS how I am!”). 

This week I coached a leader and her team as they practiced depersonalizing and were able to solve a significant team conflict that had plagued the company for years. The process allowed them to stay neutral, be calm, listen to each other, and create a safe atmosphere for everyone to engage.

If you find yourself in a similar position, whether on the job, at home or in a social situation, here are a few techniques to practice:

1. Identify what you’re thinking or feeling: Pause, take a breath, and ask yourself what you’re thinking or feeling in the moment. This practice creates space for you to get accurate about your internal landscape. Once my daughter identified that she was nervous, we knew how to approach the situation. Many people aren’t clear about how they feel until they slow down and check in.

    

2. Connect with your “inner coach”: This may sound ridiculous: neuroscience research has shown that using the second person to speak to yourself can provide perspective. (If you don’t think you talk to yourself, who’s telling you that you don’t right now?) For example, I might say, “Gisele, remember you have done this before, and each time, it has been a home run.” This approach is a way to connect with that wise part of you that you access when you help someone else. Tell yourself what you would say to them.

    

3. Set goals in the affirmative: Instead of saying, “I don’t want to make a mistake,” say, “I will do my best.” Ask yourself, “Am I looking at this glass half full or half empty?” Focus on what you want to create – what you can do – rather than what could go wrong.

The Hard Truth About Imposter Syndrome

Unfortunately, merely acknowledging you have self-doubt (or IS) isn’t enough to combat it. Almost everyone in my research was aware of IS and that made no difference in its prevalence. And here’s an even harder truth: you will never get rid of it. However, you can learn the skills and tools to manage your nerves, fears, and self-talk. (Stay tuned for more posts on this juicy topic.)

My daughter gave her speech, and she was the only incumbent re-elected to the student community service group. She is chalking this experience up as objective evidence she can refer to in the future when her nerves and self-talk invariably arise.

Ask Yourself: What tools do you use to contend with your inner imposter? What helps you get accurate and manage your inner thoughts and feelings?  

I’d love to hear what you think about this post. Please drop me an email at ggs@theglenbrookgroup.com and let me know your thoughts, reactions, and questions.

Yours in practice,

Gisele 

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